Thursday, August 12, 2010

Dealing with a break-up and entering stage 2

There I was thinking that dealing with, and getting over, the whole break-up would take months, but it seems that I have, prematurely, found myself in stage 2. This stage is much worse than stage 1, because in stage 1 you do live in denial. Right now I am absolutely heartbroken and regret is the keyword here. Regret is what stage 2 is all about. Though, I will never regret wanting to put myself, my dreams, my goals, my ambitions and my future plans first, I do regret that I didn't try harder to bring balance into my life and into my then-relationship. We all make mistakes and I often only learn the hard way.

Being by myself for a bit really helps to clear my head. Believe me, when you're newly-single it's like your fast pace moving world, which once seemed perfect, was suddenly halted to a standstill. Dead still. Now you have time to breathe and to just take everything in. It's in this stage when the break-up and heartbreak becomes reality, and when trying to distract yourself with parties and projects, no longer work. Again, this stage is different from men to women, because we want him back at any cost and we're willing to work everything out. We're mature in the sense of forgiving and forgetting. There are exceptions, though, when the other partner have cheated. Then, under no circumstances, are they to be forgiven or taken back. OK, maybe forgive, but never to forget!

Men, men are complex creatures. To them it's over, because the egos have been bruised. And boy, let's not go there. I'm sure their hearts are also broken, but they don't show it like we do. Friends always ask me, do I still have feelings? Yes, very strong. Do I miss him? A lot. Do I want him back? I'll do anything. How am I going to do it? I don't know. Time sure holds all the answers, but my empty arms will always reach out to him.

In stage 2 you go on an emotional rollercoaster ride and, trust me, it's the ride of your life. The one moment you are depressed, cry and sms your ex, like, a million times. The next moment you hate and blame him for putting you through all of this heartbreak. Then, you are determined to move on with your life. Before you know it, you are back to wanting him back in your life! Loads of ups and downs and you have no control.

Just like stage 1, stage 2 has pros and cons. Pro: you claim back your independence, you learn how to have fun again, you reconnect friendships that were neglected during (or maybe because of) your relationship, you get to discover who YOU are again and, hey, all the stress makes you lose weight, which is never a bad thing! Cons: starting over, realising it's really over when you have to go pack the last of your stuff, you start losing contact with the ex, there are loads of uncertainty about reconciling, and friends who you met during your relationship might choose sides. People, it's never a good idea to interfere when a couple, no matter how close friends you are, fight or go through a break-up. The interference will only make things worse! If you want to be there for a friend who is going through a really tough break-up, and break-ups are never easy, just be there for support. Be the shoulder to cry on. At the end of the day, chances are they'll sort out their differences and where will that leave you?

Stage 2 is tough because, while you were in stage 1, you never had a plan going forward. You never adapted to your new surroundings or routine, because there was always the HOPE of getting back together. Now, you are forced to deal with things and get a plan in motion. One of two things will happen in stage 2 in order to determine how stage 3 will play out. You will either: rekindle the romance by talking everything out and ensuring there are no future obstacles. Then you will be together for good! Or, you will fetch the last of your clothes, start looking for a place of your own, move on and somewhere along the line you'll meet the one.

Break-ups are a test of character. So, do a lot of thinking in stage 2 and make sure you know what you want in life. Determine your own happy ending!

Keep well my lovelies.


  1. Shame babe, sounds like you're having a tough time of it! Things will work themselves out, you'll see! ;-)

  2. Ai girl. My heart goes out to you, feeling your pain. Also in a bit of a spin at the moment.
    Be strong.

  3. Every girl on the planet have been through a break-up, including myself, many times! Every day we wake-up, is another day we survived!
    Hang in there Farmgirl, and every other person out there dealing with tough-love.

    How does the saying go? This too shall pass!

  4. *hugs * Break-ups are so crap....

    stay strong!